I Know...

It's a Monday in every sense of the word, and I'm struggling to find anything positive to focus on today. We moved Carter into his college dorm yesterday. There was too much excitement in the air to feel any sadness. Returning students greeted us in the parking lot with helpful hands and trollies to wheel in the fridge, microwave, and footlocker. I only had to make one trip from the car to his room on the 3rd floor, thanks to all of the eager help. Music played from various rooms as new stereos were being tested, girls shrieked with excitement upon seeing old friends, and guys hollered at one another to join them for games out on the lawn. My mind was busy thinking how fun it all seemed and how much Carter was going to love campus life. And I was busy thinking of all the necessities. Did I buy enough stuff for him to be organized? Where is he going to put all the shoes he brought? Did he really need to bring the turntable and records? Who is responsible for replenishing the toilet paper in the bathroom he shares with 3 other boys?

And when everything was put away and all the empty boxes and trash was taken out, when all that was left was a goodbye, I didn't do too bad. I didn't even have to ask for or initiate the long, familiar hug, which was the best part of the whole afternoon. I did struggle, mentally searching for departing words. What do you say when you leave your oldest son behind to finally take life on, head on, alone? I know I've said it all, but do I try to say it all again really quickly - recapping 18 years of do's and don'ts and what's important in life reminders? What are the most necessary things that he needs to hear one last time? Either out of exhaustion or mental stress, I felt lost and opted to hold my head high, hug back in silence, turn and go. Even going home and getting through the night was fine. But then today, Monday morning, hit with heartache. My heart has been broken before. I've dealt with lost relationships and times I've had to do difficult things I didn't want to do. But I've never felt like this, and I don't know what to do about it. The truth is, I'm just not ready to move forward in life with one son out the door. It seems too soon to me, and frankly, I really love his company. I already miss it terribly. I worry and wonder about how much he plans to come home, and if he'll miss our late night conversations over hot tea and bantering with younger brother. Will he love his new-found independence so much that I'll seldom see him or not even know what new adventures he's on? It's almost unbearable to think about that. I know how I'm suppose to feel. And I am excited for his future. I really am! Further, I know it's all going to be okay, possibly even great. I've just got to find my new groove, my new normal. I do know that it should get a little easier each day, and it will be nice to focus on son #2 for the next three years. I know I will eventually hear tales of college life, football games, frat parties, and road trips. I just need to be patient, accept the new normal, and think about these next three years of high school for son #2, how much he'll accomplish and how great it's going to be for him. But now I know how fast it goes... I know I need to quit all of this heartache stuff and just focus on something else. I know I will. I know I'll get there. It's just a Monday and a little harder than I thought it would be. I know.